Somewhere in the middle of it all…

I have had so many things to ponder these past weeks of May. May is the month of Mothers…and my mom is currently declining from frontal lobe dementia. I talk about it here from time to time and on my social media but to be honest…in this journey of her illness I have really struggled with how to process it all, how to share, what to share….what to do.

That is the hard part. I want to be able to DO something. I want to have a purpose in this that causes some kind of shift in her illness. I want my mom to come back.

I see her in photos that my stepfather sends, photos I have from the past visits, and photos from my childhood and a swirl of emotions come. Today I want to put some into words because I don’t think I am the only one who on this planet is losing a loved on and somehow in this middle season is struggling with how to walk it.

Some call this the long goodbye…

It is like you want more time, the time you have is difficult because the person you loved is right here but in a sense they are also gone. You grieve a person right before you, yet you desire to not grieve because you want to love them now and soak up the gift their life is right now…and in many ways it is new every time.

I miss my mom terribly. I used to talk to mom at least 5 days a week. We would call to chat. She was the first person I ran to when I needed encouragement, accountability, advice, prayer…you name it. On days I struggle with my teens to know how to love them best I grieve my mom hard…I want to know what she did/thought/felt with me. I want to know the prayers she prayed, the advice she was given, the times she felt like she failed, the times she felt hope…but I can’t have those conversations.

I want to see her more. I want to have the day to day interaction that I can’t have because I live away. I want to be very honest…it is hard to see my mom so different. It is uncomfortable. It is sad at times…but what I have found is that my mom in this season is still making such an impact on my life. I know she is connected to me. I know that not a drop of her suffering is wasted…that God indeed uses all things for good…but right now that season is like waves…

I have moments I laugh at memories

Days I am bitter and jealous of others who have their mom

Days I eat ice cream with my kids and tell Mema Stories

Days I wish she was here to be with me in the hard

Days I am so thankful for her that I could cry…and then I cry because I miss her so much.

But here is the thing…

I often don’t share because I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me…but I do want you to be sorry with me…to be sad with me when I am sad, to enjoy the stories when I share, to honor my mom as the beautiful gift she STILL is, even though so much of what we knew is hidden within her beautiful soul.

She is like a rose…that has returned to a bud and one day again will bloom…just not here.

In the meantime I cherish her…I walk this walk that has so few words to describe…and I share with you in hope that my mom’s life can make an impact on your life too…

Thanks for letting me share…

Blessings & Peace