When the long goodbye feels too short.

This past July after many years battling Frontal Lobe Dementia we kissed my mom on this earth one final time…

I got a phone call from my Stepfather on July 1st letting me know that mom had changed a bit and felt like she was letting go. I packed that night and then that Sunday after mass hopped in the car and drove straight to her Memory Care home.

The drive down was full of questions, wondering of what she would be like, disbelief that this was actually her final days, hope that I would make it in time…so many questions and lots of prayers.

I arrived late that evening and went straight to her room, met my stepfather and saw my beautiful mother resting…she looked so peaceful and small, so beautiful and dainty. She had changed quite a bit from our visit in May, but she still was mom, having this wonderful peace filled aura about her. Truly the Holy Spirit was in this place.

That evening I laid next to mom. We listened to the rosary and I told her how much I loved her. At one point she whispered “I love you” to me. Many have asked, “did she know me?” I think she did…maybe in her mind she was not sure how or who exactly I was, but I know in her heart she knew me and I know that in my voice I was familiar to her. I laid next to her all night, holding her hand, playing with her hair, singing her the songs she sang to me as a child and just praying for her to have peace.

We woke the next day and I just held onto her. Her vitals were strong, and she just little by little was slipping away…

These final days (all 10 of them) were filled with moments that I am still pondering and plan to write about later…

But the one thing I want to share is this.

When you are in a season of suffering with a loved one, or struggle it may feel long. It may feel as if you are holding your breath, or that you feel uncertain on how to walk through it. With mom it was like a very long goodbye in phases and stages, but nonetheless she was still here, still mom both body and soul, still wonderful and gentle and comforting and safe. When the end came…the end on this earth it felt short. Did I have regrets? Absolutely not…but the awkward hard the years had given us to walk felt abruptly over and that made me sad.

Sometimes I think its the moments we no longer have anything to do for the other, we are not needed by that loved one we are seeking to care for, when they are better off and in a better place, it creates this internal friction between happiness for them and a loss within us that points to a great love that has changed.

The love is not gone. She is very much fully alive and still with us…

The yearning reminds me we are not made for this world, we are made for union with the one who made us out of love, for love.

So as I sit and ponder, as I sit and walk in this new season I wanted to share to cherish the moments you feel uncertain in. Trust that in those moments you inconveniece yourself, you step out of your comfort zone to show love to another, when you give of yourself to another who is incapable to give back because of their suffering or circumstances…those moments of walking in grief before the grief are actually gifts you will look back on and give thanks for. No regrets, only appreciation and gratitude.

More to come, but for now that is enough.