You can’t get it back…
It is mothers day and I feel the need to share something heavy I have been carrying for sometime that has really overtaken me today as we celebrate mothers day.
It is a kind of grief that is hard to explain.
Grieving the things I missed out on with my mom due to her battle with dementia.
I don’t talk much about it publicly because I thought for some time it would not honor her to speak of her now…but I realized that is not true.
To speak of her is to honor her. The good memories, the lessons that she has taught me, and also to speak of the things I wish could be.
It is also important because I know I am not the only one who walks this road, I know that others have this ache too and my prayer is as I share it allows others to know they are not alone.
I ache because I love. I ache because I have been blessed. I ache and I can learn from this ache the gifts given in grief.
Yet I also can’t dismiss the need to cry.
I cannot bury the need to be sad at times and keep silent.
it is hard to not numb the pain, to not distract or bury myself in other things…
It takes courage and grace rather to honor the ache as a sign of love, and to unite it to God and ask for the Grace to live in the present moment fully present in a world that desires so much distraction from what aches.
I long for my mother to tell me how much she loves my newest baby. For her to cry with me when I struggle with my children. For her to speak words of life over me when as a wife I am having a hard time with communication and stress. I miss her hugs, her giggles, her singing, her dancing…
And the ache is partially because while I will not have these things again on this side of heaven, she is still here and I desire to have and cherish what I can have with her as she walks this road the Lord has allowed.
I tried asking Why…and I go to the wise words of my friend Elise when she recieved her cancer diagnosis…”Why Not”. My mom is not wasting a drop of this as a prayer. I know her suffering is something that is hard to watch and process, but it is not for nothing…it has value and the Lord is using it for the good. I see the fruit…some now and some yet to come.
So in this messy middle I grieve what we cannot have, I give so much thanks for what we do have, and I try to sit in this space and allow God to work and transform our hearts.
I know my mom knows me still in her heart. I know she loves me in her heart. I know she is holding me in her spirit…as a mother always does.
I also know I cannot get the time back, therefor I must allow that to be my teacher to be more fully alive in the present moment with those I love.
To slow down, put down the phone, take time to soak up the beauty around me and to truly live life in this sacramental pause of the present moment.
So my words to you my friend…
The ache is hard, it is messy, it is confusing…
Its purpose does not make sense in a world that seeks to numb…allow yourself to feel and know somehow in the ache is beauty to be lived and discovered…
More to come as I return to processing the gifts found in grief in my book…please pray for me to have the courage and discipline to write it…
In the meantime know to those who live with this ache of what you can’t get back…
You are not alone, God is with you in that space…do not run from it, do not drown in it…rather surrender and be transformed by it and know that God truly will use it for good…if not now…in heaven…that is His promise that we can cling to.
Blessings,
Kell
