Dear Mom, you are a gift even in your suffering…
My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers/Dementia 6 years ago. I remember the day she called to tell me, she had such peace in her voice and she said “do not worry, everything is going to be fine”. The news of this broke my heart and made me afraid. I have this fear of being forgotten and hear I was learning my mother may one day forget me…
The past 6 years have had many ups and downs. In many ways this is like a long goodbye…it is living in a place of continual grief and letting go. Yet, I have found in the midst of all of this there have been gifts, blessings, moments of joy, and lots of transforming Grace.
So this part of my blog will be me sharing things I want to tell her. Conversations, Memories, raw feelings, and conversations with God about my mom, because I can’t talk to her about these things and I think they are things worth sharing.
I had this idea to post them here on my blog because one thing that has helped me so much in my journey with my mom is reading others stories, knowing I am not alone, and finding connection and redemption in the midst of loss and grief.
So the first thing I want to share, that I want to tell her…
Mom, you are a gift. Mom, you are a blessing. Mom, I am sure if you knew how hard things were for us you would feel badly. I know you never wanted to be a burden, and I want you to know you are not…
We love you deeply and we will walk each day with you. I am so blessed you are my mom. I am sad that we cannot share and talk like we used to…it is so hard to not be able to share like we did…but in these moments of short conversations I see how you are a gift. You are teaching me one of the greatest lessons through your illness, what it means to love. Love is to will the good of the other…which means in this season to sit with you and love you even when it hurts so much to have you not be the same. You are showing me not to guard my heart, but rather to allow my heart to be open to the gifts found in your child like joy and also in the challenges of surrendering the control I do not have over your disease.
I am learning the value of vows and sacramental grace as I watch my beautiful stepfather care for you mom. You always told me that Jim was the love of your life, and little did I know when God brought him into our lives the gift he would be not only to you, but to me and Reinee and our families.
Mom I want to tell you so many things but most of all I want you to know you were right (as always), even in the grief it will all be ok because I see God drawing you closer to him in each moment…I see him using this awful disease that makes his heart sad for the good, for the redemption, for the strengthening of our family…
Last night as I sat beside you, you said “You are so precious”…and it made me so happy to hear because my entire life you have ALWAYS made me feel those words were true…
Mom, you are precious too.
I love you so much, and I am here every moment praying for you and giving thanks that you are my mom
Love Kell
