I had a crazy morning…
For me these mornings are pretty commonplace, rushing around to get 3 kiddos dressed, fed, and on the bus. Getting beds made and the house semi tidy, and trying to do all this “service with a smile” with 5 little people who are not morning persons, and one kicking within, reminding me he is coming soon…
I did start a new habit of coming down the stairs and pouring myself a cup of coffee as my little ones start to emerge. Taking a moment to enjoy its warmth and reading a few words from my Devotional or the Readings for the day in order to fill my heart and mind with a dose of grace before I face my little birds with all their chirping needs.
This morning the reading that I was reflecting on was the passage of Jesus multiplying the loaves and fishes and feeding 5ooo people. In the 2 minutes that I had to actually ponder and reflect (its amazing what us moms can do with little drops of time) I thought to myself…”Lord I don’t have much, but take what I have and please make it enough”. Then as I stood to stop a fight, pack a lunch, smell breath to ensure there was good teeth brushing, help get winter gear on my crew, and try to sip my luke-warm coffee I started to lose that moment of peace I had when I woke and read that passage…
Why? Because I started to focus on my little that I had to give….
I am a mom of 5 kiddos 10 and under,(2 girls and 4 boys) and another is ready to pop out this March to join us. I have a wonderful husband who is
almost as good at juggling as I am, and several amazing friends around me who are pretty good jugglers too. Throw us all together and we make an amazing circus…(Or just follow Me and my crew to dinner at Red Robin and you will see the first act).
It is HARD to stay on top of it all…especially when you prefer order and cleanliness and at the same time struggle with delegating and asking for help (No, not me…). You pour yourself out for these little people and this wonderful man, and your family and friends, and then all you have left is a crumb….
So WHY have 6? WHY have 5? DONT I KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENS????
I could write an entire blog post on that comment and the many other humorous ones I get when we go places together…but that is another time, another day.
As I stood in my bathroom this morning chugging my glucose drink that I needed to time just right to get my blood drawn for the doctor this morning…little man #4 did a flip inside and I looked in the mirror and said…
“Lord all I have is a crumb….what can you possibly do with that? There are so many little ones, and I have nothing to give…” Then what stirred within me must have been that same blessing the Lord offered in the scriptures over the bread and fish…he prayed and blessed my offering and my genuine surrender and I felt/heard him say…”If I can hold life into existence, If I can create this little one within you and give to you and Courtney these beautiful children…than I can take care of them and provide for them AND you…just give me the crumb….”
A mustard seed, a tiny crumb, a simple prayer…
All are small, but enough when we surrender them…when we let go…when we trust.
So WHY have 6 kids when I struggle to feel like enough? WHY have 6 kids when our lives are crazy hectic? WHY have 6 kids???
When the hubs and I got married we did NOT have a number picked out…we still do not. Yes, we have gone from man to man, to zone, to now…ok I am running out of sports analogies…maybe a blitz? The true beauty of “WHY 6?” can be answered by my 4 year old whose favorite expression when we tell him no is “why not?“. No, we can’t handle all the stress at times. Yes, it is expensive to feed 6 kids (especially my sons). No, we don’t have it all figured out. YES, we DO KNOW HOW IT HAPPENS 🙂
We said YES to whatever the Lord had in store for us. We said YES to marriage and openness to life. We said YES when we felt the Lord calling us to one more….and today I was reminded why.
In surrendering my Crumb I am NOT losing myself, I am being filled. My gifts are being multiplied by the graces given to me as a mother. My marriage is being blessed by the graces given to us as parents. My family is healing from the wounds that my husband and I carried into our marriage by the grace of this sacrament. (Two imperfect people, one perfect union).
If it takes 6 kids to do that…6 GIFTS of LIFE ENTRUSTED TO US…Then “Let it be…”
Is it hard? YES! Is it frustrating at times? YES! Is it worth it…MOST DEFINITELY!!!
I will close with a beautiful quote from Saint John Paul II who said “Man discovers himself, through a sincere gift of self”. Each pregnancy, each life, each crazy morning….I discover more about me and I choose to surrender the crumbs, and surrender my life to be refined by the one who can take my crumb and feed 5000. One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time…and even at times it comes down to the minute…
I have to remind my eyes to see the bigger picture, my heart to trust its author, and my mind to surrender…and I choose to do so each morning over my now cold cup of coffee…but I wouldn’t have it any other way.